Burlesque: Embarrassing Confessions Part 2

Burlesque: Embarrassing Confessions returns. Back by popular demand, we have a host of musical mishaps, gravitational failures and toilet traumas to make you giggle or cringe. Forget the glamour, rhinestones and glitter and join us for our latest round-up of burlesque boobs (pun intended).

“A few years ago, I traveled to the other end of the country to do a show. I was excited to be performing in a new town, for a whole new audience and although it was a long journey, I was totally psyched for the gig. As the lights dimmed and my music started, I settled into my routine ready to enjoy the show. Then the music skipped. ‘Ok, don’t panic,’ I thought. ‘It will right itself’. It didn’t. The entire rest if my track (all 4 minutes of it) was unrecognisable; bips, garbled noises, clicks and static. I probably should’ve stopped and restarted, but I’ve never done that; I’ve always believed the show must go on. So I did the whole act and somehow managed to finish at the same time as the unrecognisably distorted backing track. It was so traumatic at the time, but as I finished, there was a deafening roar of applause and the audience rose in a standing ovation. I couldn’t believe it. Now I NEVER go without a soundcheck!”

“I perform a double act with a partner, involving cream cakes… Long story short, said cream often has a tendency to get on the floor when we’re doing our act (even though we try to limit the mess!) On more than one occasion I’ve been close to taking a tumble when I’ve slipped on the sticky floor. But, one night we were doing a private party; they’d specifically requested this act as they’d seen it before and loved it. Everything was going well until I stepped in a puddle of cream; as I started to skid, I tried to right myself but misjudged my balance and fell too far back. What followed can only be described as ‘the windmill effect’ – arms flailing desperately back and forth, there was no hiding the panic on my face. I heard the audience gasp, then wait with baited breath for what seemed like an eternity as I slipped, stumbled and jerked back and forth, trying to catch my balance. By some miracle, I finally did (without actually falling over) but it was so difficult to keep a straight face as we finished the act, I died a little inside!”

Cream cakes & burlesque: a recipe for disaster. Image copyright Stuart Crawford.
Cream cakes & burlesque: a recipe for disaster. Image copyright Stuart Crawford.

“I was doing this show one time in a warehouse. Not ideal, the changing area was in some kind of hayloft and the audience seemed to be a bunch of hippy types. Took to the stage for my act and everything was going great, til I brought out my bottle of champers, to spray the front row. Got a bit over-excited and accidentally hit the sound guy… And his computer too. Cue a sizzling sound and my track starting to jump and over the place. Thankfully the music sorted itself out and played to the end, but the guy looked horrified. When I got offstage I was mortified, and tried to apologise but I could tell he was raging!”

“I once went to use the toilet before I went on stage with my burlesque partner at a gig last year. Trouble is, I forgot to put my shoes on. When I arrived at the toilet there was pee near the toilet on the floor. The dressing room was too far away from the toilet for me to put my shoes on and I was due on stage in 10 mins. Not wanting to stand in pee in my bare feet, my partner had to lift my legs up in a wheelbarrow position to allow me to avoid touching the pee-floor, whilst I held on to the hand rail with one hand and the sink with the other. Meanwhile, we were both in hysterics at the unfortunate predicament we found ourselves in so it made the job all that harder!”

Hmmm. We’re trying to figure out the logistics of that last one but it defies all logic…
Anyway, thank you to all of our embarrassing confessors this week, you’ve given us a jolly good laugh and readers, we hope you’ve enjoyed this (extremely candid) peek into the world of burlesque.

If you missed Part 1, check it out below:
Burlesque: Embarrassing Confessions Part 1